


How Have Things Been?

by ItFeelsLikeHome



Series: Aaron's Counselling Sessions [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Counselling, M/M, Talking, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-15 16:50:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11235150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItFeelsLikeHome/pseuds/ItFeelsLikeHome
Summary: Aaron goes to another counselling session and discusses a recurring nightmare.He then goes home to Robert and tries to talk to him again about Rebecca and the baby.  This time it is successful...How I think they need to start communicating with each other in order to progress with their relationship.





	How Have Things Been?

‘How have things been?’ she asked giving him one of her unfaltering stares again. It had stopped being intrusive in his second visit, but it was still powerful and made him unsure about what to say. Her look always made him really think about the words that came out of his mouth and how important they were to her. 

Inhaling a deep lungful of air, the oxygen entering his lungs and anchoring him, Aaron knew what he had to discuss with her: it had been at the forefront of his mind for the past week.

‘Things have been alright, I suppose.’ He looked up at her from fiddling with his ring, but she didn’t say anything so he knew he could continue speaking. ‘We’re working through it.’ He smiled but the curve of his lips only seemed to go skin deep and didn’t find their way to his eyes. 

‘I’m sensing that you don’t seem very happy. How do you feel about you working through stuff?’

‘I love Robert, I really do, and I was all intent on trying to move past his one night stand, try to forgive him after what we said last time I was here. But her,’ he couldn’t say her name, couldn’t even bring himself to formulate those syllables that made it up. Instead he scrunched his nose up in distaste. ‘That slag. She’s not having an abortion. She’s having the baby.’ 

‘I’m picking up that you are not particularly happy about this situation.’

He nodded feeling like one of those nodding toys with the bobbing heads. If he had any more conviction behind the nod, he was afraid his head would nod too much and fall off. ‘How can I feel happy when it’s a constant reminder of what they both did. I wish we could move on from it, but she’s going to be constantly in our lives. I told Robert I would support him being a father because it is the right thing to do, and I want Robert in my life so I need to accept the baby. And now Robert is being snippy with me and won’t talk to me about how he’s feeling. I know he wants to be part of the baby’s life, but he won’t discuss anything with me.’ 

The deep wells that were masquerading as his eyes were nearly filled up to the brim, and he knew that if he didn’t find the strength to blink them back, they would spill over until there were no more tears left in him. He curled his lips into an ‘o’ and tried to steady the breathing that was starting to become laboured and erratic. ‘It’s just I’ve been having these nightmares recently, and what with everything with her and the baby, I’m scared of losing him.’

‘I’m picking up that the nightmare makes you feel quite emotional. How do you feel about it?’

The word ‘nightmare’ seemed like such an appropriate word word for something that was frightening and scary but easy to forget and get over. His hadn’t been a nightmare. It had been hell. And he had been forced into it with shadows and ghosts that were still haunting and tormenting him. 

‘It was like being in hell. Robert didn’t exist, and nobody could remember him.’ He had to pause a moment because the next few words would come out in a jumbled mess unless he counted to five. 1. Breathe. 2. Breathe again. 3. Once more. 4. Nearly there. 5. Done. His eyes burned and he smudged the tear paths that had started rolling down his face with his trusty sleeved fist. Now that the tears were here, he knew they’d probably never really leave.

‘How did that make you feel?’ 

‘It was awful.’ He moved his head from side to side as he remembered those images. ‘I felt like someone had chopped off my arm and ran away with it.’

‘You know dreams are sometimes our subconscious telling us about things.’

‘I know I’m afraid of losing Robert. I always have been. Because until last year, he was never really mine. We started off as an affair. He was engaged to a woman. And he’s got another woman pregnant. And I worry that I’m never going to be enough for him. He’s bisexual and that scares me.’ His bottom teeth chewed at the right hand side of his mouth, chewing on the gums, so that his mouth was twisted just like he felt twisted inside: nobody had supported Robert, which was why he wanted to be there for Robert, but Aaron was struggling with the constant reminder of that woman being pregnant and that was before he even considered that Robert should be around as a good father to his unborn child. 

‘I’m picking up that you are worried about Robert being bisexual.’

‘Yeah. It’s mad isn’t it that I love him, but I’m scared he’s going to leave me because that’s what everyone else has done. But he could easily leave me for another woman. And I can’t compete with that. I don’t have the right body parts.’

‘Have you told him how you feel?’

‘Yes, but not recently. Not since her. He constantly tells me that nobody else comes close to me and that I’m it for him.’ He’d tried to remain serene because above all Robert could have left Aaron when he confessed all about the one night stand; however, instead he reaffirmed his love for Aaron. Aaron hadn’t really needed the grand statements because he saw Robert’s love in his husband’s actions and demeanour. 

‘I’m sensing that you need more reassurance than this.’

‘Yeah.’ He nodded in agreement. 

‘Then you need to tell him how you feel. This isn’t couples therapy, but communication is the key for a successful and long-lasting relationship. You have opened the doors to that communication recently. You need to keep that channel open.’

‘But if he’s not wanting to discuss how he’s feeling with me, we can’t really move forward can we?’ This was the crux of the matter, the one thing he was worried about the most. If Robert didn’t discuss his feelings with him, what would end up happening to their relationship? Because they had always known each other so well, had some sort of sixth sense when it came to reading each other’s moods, thoughts and feelings. 

He chewed on his bottom lip juggling it around between his teeth as a fresh surge of tears spurted out of his puffy eyes. 

‘You should tell him that the lack of communication is not making you happy. There might be many reasons why he doesn’t want to speak about his feelings. All you can do is tell him how you feel and then see how he responds.’’

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Aaron ruminated on what his counsellor had said during the whole car journey home. Driving up to the Mill, a place that was now his and Robert’s, still felt strange. So did the way the key turned in the lock with ease and how Robert was laid stretched out on the settee watching television - legs lengthening out on the whole of the settee until his socked feet crossed at the ankles. His jacket was laid over the back of the settee, while his shirt sleeves were rolled up at the arms. On any other normal day, Robert’s bare arms would set off a stirring of passion in Aaron’s body. But no amount of passion and love could help them get through the tempests they were struggling with unless they started talking to each other. Aaron just hoped that there wouldn’t come a time where a relaxed Robert laid on the settee would be replaced with one that was stilted and uncomfortable in their home. 

‘Hey,’ Robert said as he noticed Aaron approaching the settee. Robert’s smile was wide and free. It never got old how Robert smiled at him when he came home. ‘How did it go?’

Robert always asked him the same question whenever he came back from his counselling sessions. He had only been to three sessions so far, but they had spent many evenings discussing the breakthroughs that Aaron had.

He nudged Robert’s legs up so that he could have access to sit on the settee. Lifting his legs up slightly to give Aaron access to sit down, Robert then placed them on top of Aaron’s thighs. 

‘There’s something that came up in my session that I really need to talk to you about.’ He turned his body towards Robert. ‘It’s quite important actually.’

The colour drained from Robert’s cheeks and fear surfaced in his eyes as well. ‘Oh. Is everything okay?’ The relaxed air that he had as he lounged on the settee was gone with that one look. He removed his legs from Aaron’s lap; therefore, Aaron was glad that Robert had picked up on the enormity of what he was about to say. 

‘You remember the nightmares that I’ve been having?’

Robert nodded. ‘Yeah, about me not existing anymore.’

‘Well, I spoke about it in my session and I think I know where it is coming from.’ His nose tingled and he knew that within a matter of seconds he would start crying again. He had managed to keep the tears at bay on his drive home, but he was sure that Robert would finally open up and say what he was feeling and that worried Aaron. ‘We’re not talking, Robert, really talking about our feelings about her and the baby.’

‘We’re talking. We talk all the time.’ Robert was quick to jump in with those words, but the fear wasn’t really evading Robert’s face. It had stolen his happy smile and in its place was a rather frightened frown. 

‘No, we don’t. I ask you if you are okay about her returning, and all you do is snap at me. We’re in this mess because we weren’t talking to each other months ago. I don’t want to lose you. That’s my biggest fear.’

‘But you won’t lose me because I’m not going anywhere.’ It was the exact same words he calmed Aaron with every time Aaron recounted his dream to Robert. Normally it was met with a brush of his lips and he would be appeased again for a short time until the hell came back a few nights later. 

‘Then tell me how you’re feeling, really feeling, and I don’t mean the crap you spout out about not wanting to be part of the baby’s life.’ He tilted his head and raised his left eyebrow in anticipation of the feelings he wanted Robert to discuss. 

‘I don’t want to be part of the baby’s life.’

‘I don’t believe you.’ It was said with vehemence. 

Robert’s eyebrow arched. ‘I don’t. I want to be with you.’

‘I said I’d support you, and I mean it. That means if you want to be a father to the child, that’s fine with me.’

‘I don’t want to be a father to the child.’

‘Why?’

‘Because. Be…’ Robert closed his eyes for a second before opening them again and composing himself with regular breathing. 

‘Just be truthful with me, Robert.’

‘I don’t want to lose you. You’re the most important thing in my life.’ The words didn’t need emphasis because as soon as Robert had said them, Aaron not only sensed the power of feeling behind his husband’s words but he noticed his eyes glistening with unshed tears. However, Robert grabbed onto Aaron’s left hand cradling it in his before circling Aaron’s wedding ring. ‘We put this back on. I don’t want you to ever take it off again.’ His voice cracked with desperation as he said the last few words in a half whisper, ‘I really couldn’t cope with losing you. I love you, Aaron.’ 

The emotional intensity with which Robert had spoken made Aaron’s eyes well up too, only minutes after the tears had been quelled. They always formed tears at the very idea of losing Robert. ‘I love you. Please talk to me. I want to know what you’re feeling. Because whatever it is we can get through this together.’

‘You say you’re fine with everything now and that you’ll support me, but I worry that when the baby is born that you won’t be able to cope with seeing a constant reminder of what I did.’ He paused before shaking his head. ‘I don’t want a constant reminder of what I did. You’ll see it and you won’t be able to cope and you’ll take your ring off again.’ 

‘I said I’m fine with it.’ He felt like he would end up saying it until he was blue in the face, until Robert actually took the words at face value. 

‘I know you, Aaron, and it will kill you inside.’

‘What’s killing me inside is us not talking and you shutting me down when I try to talk to you. I don’t want to lose you, Robert.’

‘You talk like the baby isn’t an issue, but at the moment we can’t go back to how we were. I miss what we used to be. We were amazing together. I just want that back.’ Regret and guilt were spoken in every nuance of his words and the syllables he uttered.

‘But we were also pushing each other away and hurting each other. We can be better with no more secrets and lies. I want to support you, whatever that means. I want to be with you. Just admit the truth.’

Robert faltered and wet the top of his mouth with his tongue. ‘I don’t want to lose you, but if I admit that I want to be part of the baby’s life then that means the end of us.’

‘Why would it be the end of us? I meant what I said when we got married.’

‘I meant what I said too. You’re all I want, but you said that I would have nothing to do with her again. Her keeping the baby would mean she’s always there.’

‘I’ll support you, Robert. Any communication we have with her will be together. You and me, together.’

‘What if you struggle with that in the future?' It was valid question and one Aaron hadn't been able to stop thinking about. 

‘Then we talk about it together when that happens and deal with that together.’ He paused. ‘You said nobody was there for you. I’m here for you.’ He smiled and this time the smile did reach his eyes because he knew that he and Robert were communicating again. And it they continued talking, they could get through anything. 

Robert glanced from Aaron’s eyes to their hands still clung desperately onto each other and back to Aaron’s eyes again. ‘Okay then. I want to be a father. I want to be there for the baby in the way that my dad wasn’t there me. I don’t want to make the same mistakes he did.’

Robert usually wasn’t a crier, but after he said those words the tears that had been at the back of his eyes for possibly weeks were given an outlet and created a track down his face. There wasn’t just one or two but a small stream coming from both of his blue-green eyes. 

‘That’s okay. We’ll be fathers together.’ 

Aaron wiped away Robert’s tears with his thumb before joining Robert’s hands again. His lips found their way to Robert’s and he teased them open, hoping that Robert would respond. The kiss wasn’t filled with their usual passion and fire, but it didn’t need to be. It was solid and warm. It was a kiss of reassurance and promise that they would work through it.

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments or feedback will be greatly appreciated. :-)


End file.
